I was heading out of the house to attend a party. I grabbed the dessert I had created, remembering to place it in my cooler bag, remembered my cup of water, my phone, my keys. I got into the car, started the engine and happened to look at my fingernails. Darn, I hadn’t checked my nails lately, and the old polish was chipped and peeling. I ran back inside and touched up my nails by adding another coat of polish. However, I hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to turn the key in my lock and then to withdraw it as I was leaving again, so by the time I got back in the car, my new polish was smeared and cracked. Oh well, I tried. I proceeded to go as I was, never quite 100% together, but there it is.
I remember years ago attending Jazz Fest with friends. We ended up at the Lyle Lovett stage. I have nothing against him, but it just was not what I was looking forward to at a jazz event. How did I get left out of the decision-making process? Things like this seem to happen quite a lot, events are happening and I am drifting along without much input in what is going on. Most of the time I don’t mind. (That day I did mind and took myself off to the gospel tent and had a blast).
I never enjoyed working at desk jobs, but that’s what I did for most of my career. I was usually good at it because I loved (and still love) organizing things for other people, although my own desk was (and is) usually disorganized. I didn’t work steadily all day, but I managed to get by – usually by working in small bursts of activity and daydreaming in between. I was bored and struggled to sit still. I would get up often to chat with coworkers.
At one job, I went on vacation for one week and came back, dreading returning to this position. The boss called me into the office and said that while I was gone, someone stepped up to help him out and seemed much more focused in the role, so he was giving my job to her. I wasn’t fired. “We like you,” he said, but I was assigned another position, working for two associates instead of a managing partner. Another interesting thing he said to me was that he had noticed me staring into space at a meeting once and that there must be something wrong with me, although he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. Those words stuck with me – there was something wrong with me. I have carried those words for a long, long time.
Years later, at another job, I didn’t listen to directions correctly (I suppose) and messed up. A boss handed me a series of CDs and said, “have the printer print out what is on here.” Suddenly the printer arrived with several boxes of printouts, some of which made no sense. I didn’t focus enough to ask questions before having the job done, and kicked myself about this for years. I just didn’t seem to be focused. Partly it was because my younger sister was fighting, and then died, from breast cancer during this time, so I told myself that was the reason. I knew something was up when I got a lower Christmas bonus the following year. I was so depressed that day and felt so inadequate. Finally, I was called into the boss’s office. I thought for sure I was fired because this firm did not allow much leeway, but no, again, I heard “We like you here, but we are going to change your position.” This one involved a pay cut. The good thing about this new role was that it was easier, so I was able to sit in my little cubbyhole and daydream while I was working. I eventually got bored and moved on.
I was always a daydreamer. I was reading ahead of my level in grammar school, so when the class was reading together, I would read ahead and lose my place where the rest of the class was. As time went on, I stopped keeping up with what was going on in the classroom almost entirely. I would hear and absorb snatches of things, and I was able to learn and get along for the most part, even though I was accused of being a daydreamer and could do so much better if I would only try. But when I got to junior high and high school, I could not do algebra to save my life. That’s when I began acting out. Instead of sitting in the back of the classroom playing barbies with my pencils as I did in grammar school, I began rebelling, skipping school, until I got so behind I could never catch up, so I just stopped going and dropped out.
My parents tried having me tested. ADHD wasn’t a diagnosis at that time, so I probably would not have been diagnosed anyway. And, at times, diagnoses of ADHD can be missed because people with my kind of ADHD can do very well with testing. If I have a reason to focus, I can usually do it. I actually enjoy taking exams at times. I am one of the few people who loves writing term papers and doing research, although I have to take a lot of breaks during the process.
So my parents took me to a psychologist, perhaps when I was around 12, and I took a math test and got all of the answers correct. The only problem was I didn’t look at the instructions. The psychologist said yes, she got them all right when she added them, but some of these were subtraction problems. They were very upset with me as being careless and lazy, but this is a symptom of ADHD, I got focused on what I was doing but forgot to look more closely at the details.
I eventually got a GED and did well in college, although I struggled with algebra again and failed remedial math twice. Part of my problem with algebra, which is something I learned from my tutor back then but only realized recently, was that I have the capacity to solve some math problems in my head. I can figure out a 20% tip in a restaurant within seconds. My sister and others were amusing themselves one evening by asking me to add up numbers in my head quickly and I was able to give the correct answers. But with algebra and other equations, solving means you have to take a lot of small, detailed steps to arrive at the answers. This was also pointed out to me by my statistics professor, who was a sociology professor but also had a math degree. I love statistics though. I love to find stories that unfold as the result of a statistical analysis. Just not in mathematical terms.
A psychiatrist once stated it was possible that I could have ADHD. That had never occurred to me before, and at that time I thought surely not, I’m just lazy, that’s what I’ve always been told. But recently I read in one of my continuing education studies that not all people with ADHD have the same symptoms. Some spend their lives daydreaming and are quiet, and I thought BINGO, that’s me.
Now that I have accepted my diagnosis, I have realized how much of my life I missed out on because, perhaps if I would have been diagnosed and treated, I could have been more focused on my relationships and at work. I could have gotten on track to get promotions, gone to law school, been more intentional and goal-oriented. Later in life, I did finally go to social work school, and this has been perfect for me. My client sessions do not bore me at all! I love hearing their stories and doing what I can to help them bring peace to their lives.
In fact, this is another thing that people with my symptoms of ADHD have that is interesting. I was always a keen observer. I would sit quietly in a room and, while I may have sometimes lost track of the conversation, I could usually sense what people in the room were feeling.
People who have ADHD are capable of learning, we just have to find ways to do it that works for us. Not all of us need medication. Some do, but others can learn to accomplish many things using the unique sets of tools that they have. For instance, when I was doing college papers as an undergrad, my house was always spotless because to avoid the work I’d get up and clean. Now, when I work on activities that need focus, I accept that I can get up at intervals and go for a short walk or clean something or phone a friend, then return to the project after a break. That’s what works for me. It’s not wrong, it’s just different.
As I am writing this, I am ready to get up now and do something else. I have written a few articles lately, but they are not finalized or published. I can sit here and type out my thoughts and I enjoy doing it, it comes very easy to me. But when it’s time to go back and proofread what I wrote and make corrections, I walk away to do something else. I will try to finish this one! If you see this article, that means I got it done! It may not be perfect, because I’ll likely get to a point where I just can’t look at it anymore. But it’s my work and I wrote it so perhaps someone will see it and it will help them in some way.
Now that I know what I am dealing with, I can more readily accept myself for who I am. For once, at least today, I was not kicking myself or comparing my “disheveled” self to the appearance of others. (I remember noticing an acquaintance had on two necklaces and they were not twisted together – I had a very strong sense of wonder that she was able to pull this off and wished fervently that I could be a person who could always look so polished).
No matter who you are, do not compare yourself to what others can do or how they do it. Just be you and do what you can with the tools, mental and physical, that you have! Look for ways to accomplish your goals and tasks in ways that work for you. Celebrate your differences and be yourself.
