You all know what they say about opinions. They are like butts – everyone has them. Me included. But when are opinions productive? When do they matter? When are they useful? When are they hurtful? When do they make us so angry that we cannot see straight on some days?
I have learned something lately. People who have too many opinions tend to be angry and unhappy. They let their opinions rule their emotions and their lives. People with emotions that strong want others to feel them too, so they will do everything they can to rile people up. Then everyone can be in the same club of anger, victimization and criticism. I have opinions, sure, but I try to not let them rule my emotions. It’s good to feel, feelings are not bad, but we can choose how to respond to those feelings in healthy ways.
Opinions that rile us up can range anywhere from our political situation to whether a flashing broken traffic signal means four-way stop sign or slow down and be careful. Now, of course we think it is silly to say the someone is walking around in a rage because of a traffic issue. But this is where we are.
Bad things happening in the world these days can make us seethe with anger, indignation, rage, sadness, frustration, helplessness… That is true. But bad things have always happened, so why is it different now? Why can’t people be civil? One reason is because we are bombarded every day over and over again with news about negative things. Social media algorithms, news headlines, cable news channels, are all designed to keep our attention. They do this by triggering our emotions so we will stay tuned. So, we see upsetting things over and over and over again. This is why it is so very important to watch our diets of news and social media.
Expectations are different too. When I was young, a century ago, I worked at a fast food restaurant. In those days, when we worked in retail or restaurants, it was expected that sometimes a person who was having a bad day would come in and take out their anger on us. We understood that it was because they felt powerless in parts of their lives, so they exerted their power at people who could not fight back. (In therapy terms we call this displacement – you are mad at your boss, so you go home and yell at your spouse or kick your dog). One day a man came in and sure enough, I became the brunt of his mood. He was ugly, he threw his food at me, and I responded with a little bit of sass. The manager ran out and sent me away in front of the mean customer, and I felt chastised for giving him back some of what I was receiving. The manager talked to me later, and he said I saw what he did, it was uncalled for. But he was the customer, so he is right. You have to learn this. Maybe this taught me some restraint, or at least to have empathy for people who sometimes act out. (Not that I don’t feel hurt and even angry sometimes when people have been mean – and not that I have not been mean sometimes myself, because we are all human – but aren’t we supposed to see humanity in each other and act accordingly?).
In one Facebook group I am following, a person offered an opinion about driving habits, and while she was at it, listed her pet peeves about other types of traffic violations. We all have them! It was funny and meant in good humor. Most of us can agree that other drivers are idiots and we are the good drivers. Opinions, in their proper perspective, can be fun, humorous, informative and interesting.
Someone said let’s post all of our gripes in this group while we are at it, let it all hang out. I wanted to post my current gripe so badly, but I didn’t want to start a war, so I restrained myself. My current gripe (and the reason for this blog) is that I cannot seem to go any place without hearing some kind of negativity from everyone I try to have a nice chat with. I hear negative opinions from the cashiers in stores while I’m checking out. I hear them from neighbors, from acquaintances. I think we are chatting about everyday things, and the next thing I know I am hearing complaints about everything they do not like about the political system, about people who are different from them, about everything that is wrong with the world. The bottom line is that these people seem to be very unhappy people, and they are blaming everything around them for their unhappiness. They are always looking for reasons to complain, to be unhappy, and to be mad. Believe me, we do not have to look for reasons to be mad. It is all around us. But these people, even if their world was perfect, would still be unhappy. Why? Because they are allowing outside factors to affect their emotions. Happiness does not come from an deal political situation, it comes from inside of us. We find that happiness inside of us when we think and act the way we want to feel – peaceful, forgiving, kind, less tense.
It all comes down to this. There are some bad things going on in the world. There are a lot of things that can make us mad. I am a social worker, I see it. I feel anger. Too often. But I also see good in the world. I try to look beyond the negative things I see every day because you have to if you want to have any peace in your life. The world will never be perfect, but there are good people out there doing good things. Focus on them. Be one of them. Bring a smile to someone’s face. Try to see the good, especially when you are conversing with people.
Today I saw an image in my mind that I like. I want to be a beacon. This is what I imagined: I saw a sea filled with many waves, it was dark, it was scary, someone was in there surrounded by water, bobbing around, seeing no help in sight. But then from far off, they saw a few lights. They saw those lights as a place of safety to swim towards. They saw comfort and hope in those lights. I WANT TO BE THAT LIGHT. And if there are enough of those lights, a person does not have to swim far to reach them! They can fill the ocean and be present for all who are suffering or afraid or drowning. You have a choice – radiate peace and kindness, light and understanding, or radiate hate, anger, frustration – it is a choice.
I do not know where to go with this article, but here is my wish list:
- If you need a sounding board for complaints, talk to a close friend who will be happy to tolerate it as long as you listen to their gripes too. And I get it – we all have them! I used to have lunch with a guy and our entire lunch was “I hate it when…” and we were full of those! We got a lot off our chests and would laugh afterwards and return to our offices in a better frame of mind.
- Try not to stir anger wherever you go. I remember times when I did not like my job and I would walk in the office ranting about how terrible traffic was. I was not a ray of sunshine when people saw me. I mean, who needs that? One day I realized what I was doing and tried to say more positive things in the mornings going forward.
- Just because we live in the same area, it does not mean we all think the same way. So, keep your negative comments about other people, no matter who they are, to yourself.
- Keep in mind that there are two sides to every story. We are all human. No one is perfect, and I include myself in that phrase.
- BE KIND. PLEASE. To others and to yourself. Talk about positive things. The world has enough anger. Try to produce peace. Try not to hate anyone. Try not to blame politicians for your unhappiness. Once you realize that it is you who is responsible for your place in the world and you are responsible for your emotions, you will feel a lot more at peace. And your will create peace. And the world will be a better place.
Thank you for reading my rant. Was I angry when I started this? Yes, but now I feel better. I created my own peace. Find your way.
